I guess not really, but I also don't really care about terms like that unless they get me money. Otherwise I'm just me, I don't really care for labels that much.. Other people can define me however they see fit.

So, what would be my potential "disabilities"? Eating disorder and unknown throat allergies (EoE) that make it very difficult to eat food. Severe chronic depression that I still fight against that makes it hard to do anything and constant anhedonia that comes with it. Severe anxiety that's controlled by my medication at the moment, but would give me panic attacks and constant chest pains. I was prescribed diapers because of my anxiety and coping with past traumas and frequent strange bleeding issues from my messed up insides, but honestly, I don't really need them at this point I feel, I just keep them out of a sense of comfort, which makes me feel like a burden on the system and taking them away from someone more deserving (plus, the ones I'm prescribed are very unreliable, so it's hard to depend on them confidently anyway).

My feet are weird probably from past injuries, but I can walk. I'm physically very weak, but I can stand and carry everyday things. I struggle with socializing, but I've managed to stop having panic attacks from being in public thanks to exposure therapy and developed pretty decent masking skills and can repeat common phrases that don't require any thought. I probably have what was Asperger's or high functioning autism or whatever and the high sensitivity to light, taste, and sounds that comes with it, but I've learned to block those out where I can.

Can I probably get financial assistance? Possibly. Do I have any idea where to start or the resources to do it on my own? Not really. Am I able to work? Currently I'm maintaining a job as long as I suppress the nonstop internal screaming, so I suppose yes, which probably disqualifies me from anything.

Currently, I live in a subsidized apartment and collect food stamps and Medicaid at least. I still have no idea how the apartment works- My mother wrote me in as her caretaker on her application here without me knowing while I was apartment hunting on my own, so I ended up living here taking care of her until she passed. Then they told me I can stay in a one bedroom apartment without giving me much reason, so I have no idea.

I think I've always been an artistic person~

My earliest memory is drawing Mickey Mouse in Kindergarten and getting it put into a kid's museum show thing and everyone praising me for it and it altering my brain chemicals to like drawing. I remember drawing Nickelodeon characters a bunch and coloring in coloring books as a little kid, then when I was around 8 I discovered MSPaint and did a bunch of terrible art in that~

In middle school and high school, I did a lot of vent art in my notebooks- a school counselor in middle school even gave me a notepad to draw in class with when I was stressed and that I wouldn't get in trouble for it (but then I still got in trouble for it anyway), that was nice. I remember mostly drawing Naruto and Final Fantasy/Kingdom Hearts stuff back then... In high school the back pages of my notebooks were filled with doodles... Digitally I drew in GIMP a lot around that point. I had a lot of aspirations to be an artist (my family kept being like "you're not going to be an artist, be an architect, that's kind of like art"), and when I went to college I wanted to go to the art school they had on campus, but they required a portfolio and I was at the stage where everything I made in the past looked awful to me and not something I wanted to submit and it was a bit humbling, around that time I realized I don't want to make money off art, just do it for the love of the game (and maybe get famous and make money that way but that's a far off expectation).

In college I got a Wacom Bamboo Pen and Touch for my birthday and I started using SAI, and after that I essentially stopped using physical media to draw with... not having to deal with paper texture and buying supplies and making mistakes without an undo button was really nice... It took a while for me to adapt and I used to rely a lot on the stabilizer tool but eventually I got a knack for it~ Once I switched to SAI2 it was like a whole new world, it was so much faster and had so many features I wanted and I still use SAI2 as my main program to this day~

But yeah, after dropping out of college I became more vain and mainly just focused on drawing my own characters, I really love character design... the hard part is coming up with scenarios to put said characters in and then bringing them to life- Stuff like comics are something I want to get better at, but pacing, paneling, etc are tricky, and these days no stories come to mind at all... Nagata Kabi was a huge influence to me though, her manga really hit hard and inspired me to make a story about my own life, since I was always super depressed and anxious lying in bed narrating my life and how I got to this point.. and then once I started making it I got burnt out and too self-critical and felt like I stopped living a stressful life and no more narration in my head to tell...

In terms of other mediums I've explored.. I used to work at a silk floral shop and I learned to make wreathes there, that was fun, but they're expensive to make and now that that place is closed down, I barely make anything like that anymore.. I also like using Inkscape for Vector art, though I've mainly switched to using SAI2's vector tools for that kind of stuff. I used to do Kingdom Hearts sprite comics in high school and eventually got into pixel art that way, and spent a lot of time making pixel art for a Yume Nikki fangame that would never see the light of day.. but I do like pixel art as well even if it used to give me constant migraines when working on it.

3D modelling is a medium I have a little experience in, but I want to learn more.. I can make low poly models, but refining the topology to something I'm satisfied with can be a bit tricky, weight painting is a nightmare with my OCD, and I have no idea how to make clean symmetrical UV maps like video games have.. then there's stuff like blend shapes and animation that I get the general idea of but need more practice in, and then crazy stuff like shaders and nodes that I haven't messed with whatsoever...

But yeah, in short, I used to draw fanart of characters I like in the little AU situations my friends and I would roleplay on MSN Messenger, and then I started drawing my OCs instead~ The kind of art I want to make these days is tricky, though... before, I had ideas and kinks and stuff I wanted to explore, but I wanted to bite my tongue and use them as the "reward"- basically, if I drew a whole thing, I could insert some self-pleasing stuff somewhere as a treat. But eventually I stopped caring about it and just openly make that art without any kind of strong desire behind it, and I think that also took a lot of drive away from me to draw..

I want to make characters that suffer, I want to insert my past fantasies and life experiences into my work and to make compelling characters.. I want to make awful characters that are controversial, but for no reason other than to show I can I think... I want to encourage people to make what they want in this silly world we live in... But those are more feelings I have than specific things I want to make I guess? It's tricky, any time I try to make something I just kinda get burnt out and feel nothing behind it, but I want to feel that passion again... Vent art used to be a big motivator back when I lived at my old house, with an ailing mother, a sociopath drug addict sister who made my life miserable, and $110K in debt, I had a lot of anxiety to vent, but these days for better or worse I'm just floating along in a comfortable lifestyle...

I admit, I kind of hate scrolling through art on social media these days, because it just makes me feel down on myself for having no strength to apply myself to learn or try anymore, maybe it's envy or jealousy or something... just lots of "I can't do that, I should give up" kind of feelings.. but I do still want to make art, or at the very least, I want to want to make art... I want to find motivation again to draw a lot, but it still hasn't come to me yet. Maybe somedayyy... These days I'm just happy to be able to get out of bed and do anything.

On a previous topic, I'd love to want to do art for money, but drawing commissions for other people is very stressful, and morally I feel wrong charging money for art- especially assets like on Booth or etsy or something, I want to do that, but my own moral code stops me- I hate and refuse to buy the majority of digital things because digital things are infinitely copyable and pirateable and stuff. Why would I be a hypocrite and charge for my own art if I wouldn't pay for it and would rather people have more free resources to do what they want?

Anyway yeah a lot of thoughts that I just want to ramble~

Not the best.. lately I've been gaining a lot of weight because my habits have been bad...

So, an average day:
- Go to work
- Drink a chocolate or vanilla Core Power 42g protein shake or only eat about 500 calories in chocolate at work (or more if I'm depressed). I try to take my vitamins at work if I remember but often I forget.
- Go home and drink an Olipop Root Beer (the 9g of fiber one) and eat a fuji apple dipped in Skippy peanut butter (usually 96g of peanut butter these days)

On my days off:
- Apple with peanut butter
- Protein shake and Olipop
- A frozen cauliflower vegetable pizza, or another apple with peanut butter if I'm lazy/depressed (or even just some chocolate pieces I have laying around at home instead)

Honestly, I feel like my diet hasn't improved at all.. I stopped seeing my nutritionist because for the past half year every visit was like "I can't help you, you gotta see an eating disorder therapist" and then me never finding an eating disorder therapist because I don't think it'll be worth it/my insurance won't cover two therapists.

Food tastes disgusting to me unless it's peanut butter or chocolate, and being around those because of work just reminds me of how much I hate real food.. I tried dieting last week but already relapsed this week because of all the call-ins to work I'm getting and how depressed I've been.

I keep going through stuff like Cronometer trying to make an optimal diet. I feel like this is the most optimal diet I can make:
- Apple with PB (32-48g of PB, not 96g..)
- Protein Shake/Olipop
- Another berry/vegetable shake like Naked Berry or something
- Oikos Pro 20g Protein mixed berry yogurt
- Frozen pizza

I don't know how else I can improve it. I hate food so much and anything I buy to try I just let rot in my fridge. I can't eat things like apples without peanut butter to mask it. Stuff like doing dishes drains me and I try using as few dishes as possible, and skip meals because I don't want to do the prep needed for them. I stopped eating pasta because it's too much effort to make.

I really really hate food.. I've gained 50lbs over around three years at my current job because of my lack of self control. I don't know how to deal with it. My food stamps don't even cover everything I listed each month and I've been going into a balance leftover on my EBT card from covid until it's empty. I wonder if going out to eat would help, but that sounds so expensive and I hate wasting food like that.

All this plus I have EoE now, meaning I have a food allergy to something doctors and I aren't fully positive over. Wheat is a definite trigger, but so is fast food and diner food of every kind I've realized. I don't know if it's cross contamination or if I'm allergic to oils in it or what, but a steak triggers it. French fries trigger it. Soda triggers it. Etc, etc. I used to survive off Soylent drinks, but they trigger it as well and make me feel sick anymore.

I just want an IV attached to me with all the nutrition I need. I can't stand gaining so much weight and having to eat every day...

Uwa, thank you!

I should probably accept commissions more often, but these days I don't really.. I'm really bad when it comes to doing art for other people, and doing art for money... if I have some kind of connection it's easier, heck some people who have commissioned me for stuff I kind of want to be like "hey it's fun working with you so no need to pay me I'll just do it" or to just request stuff from me instead of pay me for stuff, but I know that's not really a good business way to be.

People are always free to contact me and ask of course, and if I have the time/energy/desire I may do it! But I'm not the type to publicly advertise myself and I tend to prefer just spitballing a price based on vibes rather than make a sheet for prices since every piece is so different in needs..

tl;dr Probably not but still feel free to shoot your shot and we'll see!

Honestly, I just don't know what to do in terms of work.

For a retail job, it's fairly easy. I can sit and be on my phone as much as I want when customers aren't around. I get along well with some coworkers. I get access to a bunch of free luxury chocolate. I get paid a decent amount of money ($13.77 an hour currently), and it's a relatively easy job all things considered.

However, yeah, my coworkers walk all over me, the boss is completely checked out and doesn't care, and so we're understaffed and overworked essentially.. (my coworker/the assistant manager works 50-60 hour weeks for holiday months which is insane to me)

So basically, in terms of retail, it's probably the best I'll be able to find- the evil I know vs the evil I don't or whatever. In terms of other jobs, I have no idea what I can do.. I don't have many connections, my only work experience is retail, I dropped out of college.. I could probably collect disability if I tried but I feel like that's a cop-out and also probably extremely hard to get when I have no desire to do anything difficult. I don't like phone calls or driving or physical labor or long hours or loud noises and so the list of options I have is extremely short.

All work is evil and I don't want to do any of it but I need money to survive...

Ideally, I can survive off streaming someday, but it's very unlikely. I'd need to make about $12000 a year in streaming to live comfortably and could probably live on around $7000 if I cut back enough, but I'm not really made for monetizing myself or being a popular streamer, I think. There's also art and art commissions, but they suck my soul and turn my passion into labor for profit which really kills my love of art... let AI do art as a business for people I don't care, I just want to do art as a passion.

Thank you! And yes, that I did~

I made the design originally for an autobiographical comic, and then had fun making it in other programs and it eventually became my Vtubersona as well. PiCKY of pickychannel fame uses a Vroid model and made tutorials for it, which inspired me to finally make my own Vroid model as well~ However, it's also gotten to the point where I want to move past Vroid and into Blender fully.. my original idea was to do a "Ship of Theseus" to my Vroid model where I'd remodel parts at a time- new face, new mouth shapes, new limbs, etc, until I had a fully original model... but then early on my SSD crashed and it died with it and I never got around to starting that idea back up again.. one day....

I also made the Live2D as well and that was fun but I don't have much use for it at the moment.. I want to go back and make more expressions/poses/toggles/props for it one day..

I'm someone who loves making my own assets..

Mm.. for some reason, it just doesn't click with me, at least for the nyans.. any time I think of this kind of art, it feels "cringe", for lack of better word- like be cringe and be free, but for me, it's too "sugary" for me to want to draw, I guess... My brain wants to draw them hurting instead of healing for lack of better word.

Nyans don't like physical contact and tend to go lifeless when hugged, they only hug others out of social obligation. Hair brushing hurts and the younger nyans extremely hate getting their hair brushed (they are often tangled and full of knots)

In terms of comforting... LaveNyan is comforted by binge eating chocolate and sleeping in bed all the time, which I can draw. RoseNyan is comforted by plushies, punching pillows, and cutting and biting themselves, which also can be drawn, but probably isn't considered a "traditional" form of comforting, plus those are all solitary things, nyans and being comforted by others just doesn't mix...

I will note though, it's not a brush, but fingernails running down their scalp over and over and repetitively like a cat being pet is a very soothing experience..