Honestly, I just don't know what to do in terms of work.

For a retail job, it's fairly easy. I can sit and be on my phone as much as I want when customers aren't around. I get along well with some coworkers. I get access to a bunch of free luxury chocolate. I get paid a decent amount of money ($13.77 an hour currently), and it's a relatively easy job all things considered.

However, yeah, my coworkers walk all over me, the boss is completely checked out and doesn't care, and so we're understaffed and overworked essentially.. (my coworker/the assistant manager works 50-60 hour weeks for holiday months which is insane to me)

So basically, in terms of retail, it's probably the best I'll be able to find- the evil I know vs the evil I don't or whatever. In terms of other jobs, I have no idea what I can do.. I don't have many connections, my only work experience is retail, I dropped out of college.. I could probably collect disability if I tried but I feel like that's a cop-out and also probably extremely hard to get when I have no desire to do anything difficult. I don't like phone calls or driving or physical labor or long hours or loud noises and so the list of options I have is extremely short.

All work is evil and I don't want to do any of it but I need money to survive...

Ideally, I can survive off streaming someday, but it's very unlikely. I'd need to make about $12000 a year in streaming to live comfortably and could probably live on around $7000 if I cut back enough, but I'm not really made for monetizing myself or being a popular streamer, I think. There's also art and art commissions, but they suck my soul and turn my passion into labor for profit which really kills my love of art... let AI do art as a business for people I don't care, I just want to do art as a passion.

Thank you! And yes, that I did~

I made the design originally for an autobiographical comic, and then had fun making it in other programs and it eventually became my Vtubersona as well. PiCKY of pickychannel fame uses a Vroid model and made tutorials for it, which inspired me to finally make my own Vroid model as well~ However, it's also gotten to the point where I want to move past Vroid and into Blender fully.. my original idea was to do a "Ship of Theseus" to my Vroid model where I'd remodel parts at a time- new face, new mouth shapes, new limbs, etc, until I had a fully original model... but then early on my SSD crashed and it died with it and I never got around to starting that idea back up again.. one day....

I also made the Live2D as well and that was fun but I don't have much use for it at the moment.. I want to go back and make more expressions/poses/toggles/props for it one day..

I'm someone who loves making my own assets..

Mm.. for some reason, it just doesn't click with me, at least for the nyans.. any time I think of this kind of art, it feels "cringe", for lack of better word- like be cringe and be free, but for me, it's too "sugary" for me to want to draw, I guess... My brain wants to draw them hurting instead of healing for lack of better word.

Nyans don't like physical contact and tend to go lifeless when hugged, they only hug others out of social obligation. Hair brushing hurts and the younger nyans extremely hate getting their hair brushed (they are often tangled and full of knots)

In terms of comforting... LaveNyan is comforted by binge eating chocolate and sleeping in bed all the time, which I can draw. RoseNyan is comforted by plushies, punching pillows, and cutting and biting themselves, which also can be drawn, but probably isn't considered a "traditional" form of comforting, plus those are all solitary things, nyans and being comforted by others just doesn't mix...

I will note though, it's not a brush, but fingernails running down their scalp over and over and repetitively like a cat being pet is a very soothing experience..

Thank you anyan......

Honestly, all the time~ Any time I post an art, but especially a freak art, I usually have to step away from the computer and any notifications and lay down to calm myself down.. I have a lot of anxiety over it and tend to view myself negatively over it often.. some days I'm like "you know what who cares, share it", but then usually immediately after I feel a lot of self negativity and worry that I'm isolating those around me and making a mistake...

I'm very grateful for those that enjoy it of course, and I'm definitely more comfortable these days than I used to be (I used to have severe panic attacks for the tamest pieces of art), nowadays I'm mainly just "god I hope I'm not too annoying and make cool creators I like look at my art and push me away from them", mixed in with "why am I using this art to represent myself aren't I capable of so much more, is this really how I want to be defined, but then what else do I even make", etc etc...

But I'll continue to draw and share whatever I vibe with~ I definitely became emboldened by the way the internet feels more and more restrictive lately- I may as well put my money where my mouth is and be a freak and be free to spite a world that wants to restrict creative freedom... though I think I definitely lean too much into it sometimes..

But yes~ I'm happy that there are those that don't mind it or even enjoy it as well... I encourage people to like my art however they want, and if it inspires them to make things, then even better~ And for those who don't like it, I apologize.. don't be afraid to let me know your feelings, even if negative, if doing something like a specific tag would also help people filter it out let me know..

Skatered... My dream video game....

The idea remains in my head, but I'll explain it a bit in detail for fun~

So, the general idea is a 3D skating game. The premise: Red, a teen girl who wants to leave her mark on the world after being out of commission for a few years since a middle school competition went wrong and she lost her legs. However, now she has the hip new thing, Snark legs- shapeshifting parasite things that act as her new legs and skates, as well as enhance her in other ways. She's aided by her best friend who is essentially her sister, her true girlbro, Yell-O, who is her comms, her voice of reason and eye in the sky. Red stays with Yell-O and her family inside of a radio tower in the center of the island they live on, a mostly isolated island that acts as a haven for those who love skating, punk culture, etc etc. Red goes on a journey to become the queen of the island, meeting a variety of characters along the way, along with the impending urban development that looms over the culture of the island as well as the true meaning of the snarks~

So, the important thing: Gameplay.

I want the main priority to be the movement. I want it to feel good to skate around in. There's games like Tony Hawk and Jet Set Radio with a similar vibe and definitely strong influences, but I want the movement to be faster and fluid and give the player more control- more like a 3D platformer like Mario Sunshine or A Hat in Time. The game will essentially be divided into two ways: The big island hub, filled with things to grind on and explore in a variety of ways and little side things to down at your leisure. The other half of the game are inner levels- A sub area on the map with a more linear challenge, ending with a boss fight. Boss fights I want to mostly test different aspects of the game, like say a boss with a focus on you dodging it. The general layout I compare to No More Heroes as an example- there's the hub city, and then each level is more linear and focused and ends with a boss, but I'd like it to be more of a mix of platforming with light combat elements (like how Mario jumps on stuff, except you can hit stuff with a hammer instead). Each boss will give you an upgrade that aids the player with things like exploration- the classic grapple hook in the form of a yoyo for example to help reach more vertical heights and cross greater gaps. Also, I think of F-Zero GX a lot when thinking of this game... It won't be insanely difficult, but I love how precise GX's movement is, how fast it feels like you can go (which the player can train themselves to go fast and fluid in this game ideally), and how the Story Mode, while insanely difficult, also challenges elements of the game like I want the sub levels to- Chapter 1 teaching you pinpoint pathing precision, Chapter 2 teaching you to dodge obstacles and boosting, Chapter 4 all about killing enemies, Chapter 6 about maintaining your speed, etc etc... I really admire that kind of game design.

In terms of aesthetics and other things...

I have the entire game's story outlined in my head, and it's mostly "listen to music, imagine random things to the song, and if it's cool, add it to the game". Ideally, I'd like to have a bunch of licensed music, but legally speaking that's a nightmare, so I may just opt for the good ol' "release the game underground or with a separate patch that just so happens to have a bunch of licensed music that fits in perfectly with the game files." I don't like making art for money, and even a game like this, I'd want to try to release for free with the source code freely available. If people like it they can donate to me or whatever then sure but I don't care about that, I want the game to be accessible and for anyone to modify it and learn from it and make their own things at their own whims and leisures~

Or I could just finish the game, then make a Kickstarter for it with a complete demo to try and have the funds go to acquiring decent contracts for licensed music and release the game in a reasonable time frame once all the legal stuff is out of the way, but who knows~ I could also find a talented musician who'd want to do music for my game and be cool with it being mostly nonprofit and completely open source too and understands exactly the style of music I want and where I want it....

Anyway, yeah. I think it'd be cool to say make the game in Assembly and program it directly for stuff like the GameCube or other 6th gen consoles, but I think that's for insane people and probably something to worry about as a port after the game's released and has crazy enough people who'd want to help. But I do want the game to be a stylized looking game- flat colors, angular style, something that uses the strengths of a lower poly style that can work on a toaster. I'd probably use a game engine like Unity or Godot, but ideally it'd be something with all the fluff cut out, I don't want any bloat or nonsense in it, I want the game to be like 1GB in size, 2GB max.

I have a lot of thematic elements in the game as well in mind- "Trying to fit into a definition rather than just letting the definition define you afterwards" is one of them, like "oh I have to do this to be punk" vs "oh I do this thing and people call me punk for it", if that makes sense? Another big theme is life and death and how it impacts the actions of characters in the game. I like writing Red, she's a character that on the outside is a snarky quippy teen, but she's mostly putting on a front, and internally she's struggling with "is that the right thing to say, did I screw that up royally, do they hate me, god I hate myself" kind of thoughts in a desperate struggle to chase a goal she's not even entirely sure why she's chasing it.

Anyway that's my dream skating game and it'll probably never exist but maybe one day I'll become a god programmer and tools will be super accessible and I can lock in for ten years and make it happen... one day.......

Nyan fears.. let's see... off the top of my head, bees/wasps, falling, cars, and loud noises~

• Bees/Wasps. The ultimate nyan phobia, which is a shame, because from a distance I can respect them... but in person, they absolutely terrify me... I got stung once when I was like four years old and it traumatized me, and my mother also helped instill fear in me because she was allergic to them and had us avoid them at all costs. Now just the sight of them sends me into a huge panic, and if they fly near me I genuinely panic and flinch hardcore- buzzing/flying insects in general make me do that, but bees/wasps especially... like genuine primal fear whenever I'm near one. Fictional ones are fine, but when I'm physically exposed.. it's over...

• Falling/heights... nyans are very sensitive to heights and falling sensations. They keep their eyes closed on things like rollercoasters at all times, they can't look directly up at the sky without feeling dread and fear, same with looking out windows of tall buildings.. as people probably know from certain video games (Sonic Heroes), losing control and falling even in fiction is enough to really scare the nyan.. They used to get vertigo very easily too and always felt dizzy and fell out of bed a lot in middle school (heck they still do as an adult whenever they use an elevator, which happens often in their apartment). They also almost fell off a hospital(?) rooftop when watching fireworks with their family for 4th of July as a kid, there wasn't a supportive guard rail and they slipped and they weren't fully sure what happened in that instant but their life flashed before their eyes and their hoodie fell off them onto the ground and a nice person on the ground grabbed it and brought it back up for them.

• Cars, nyans are terrified of driving and being in and around cars, specifically fast ones... They've gotten used to it by driving to work all the time, but highways are still extremely anxiety-inducing as are reckless drivers. Cars are scary and expensive and dangerous and fast... Fun fact, in second grade, while crossing the street with their family leaving CCD, a speeding car nearly hit them~ A nun yoinked them back by the collar of their shirt and their shoe grazed the car enough to take it off if I remember right and saved their life...

• Loud noises~ Sudden ones like glass breaking or something dropping are the worst, but even stuff like vacuums are scary and irritating... maybe not a fear so much as a "pain"? But they aren't a fan of things like jumpscares. Yelling/anger however does genuinely scare the nyans- things like stomping or yelling really trigger panic attack feelings in the nyan and make them cry, even if it's not directed at them...

• I guess it's worth noting, they have a strong phobia of sexual things... I'm not sure if it's fear or disgust or what, but as a kid, they used to get viruses ruining their computer full of porn pop-ups, plus with their sheltered upbringing by a traumatized parent, they basically associated nudity and porn with bad and evil things. So any explicit material involving body parts down there (of either sex) really freaks them out and sends them into a panic attack.. I think they've gotten better in recent days at least, but it's hard to say they're at the level where they "tolerate" it...

• Also when they were younger they had a severe paranoia about being watched, they hated making eye contact and felt burning pins and needles in their back whenever they felt like they were being watched... They were always terrified of being seen and perceived... they've gotten better at that though

And thank you~ I'm glad people like seeing the nyan uploads... a lot of positive reception to them which was nice, I was afraid I'd be annoying if anything, aha

(also I notice I still go back and forth between answering for myself and answering for the nyan the character when typing aha.. the power of "I" vs "they"...)

I my me mine, I my me mine, I my me mine, I my me~
(Whatever people feel like calling me~)

I don't know if this is considered controversial or not so I apologize if it is.. but I never really considered pronouns to be something "I" (hoho) define, y'know, they're like... closer to adjectives if anything. I refer to myself as I/me (or "you" when my self-negative thoughts speak to me), and other people can refer to me as to what they interpret me to be- he/she/they/etc are in the eye of others to determine, I feel. If I wanted to be called one more often, it's up to me to give that impression off to people I suppose (though I know there's complications with that, like previous history, unchangeable features, etc that might complicate it for some people to be called what they want to be called- I don't have any preference personally, but I know there are people who do have preferences)

I'll still be polite and call people what they want to be called of course, but personally speaking, I do think it's a silly thing to worry about.. it's kind of like asking someone to call you "cute" or "cool" or "beautiful" or "short" or whatever else in my opinion, people have their own lives and perspective on things like their own definition of what is "cool", what is "masculine/feminine", etc etc, which varies from person to person, and people will formulate an image in their head of you based on their own perceptions regardless. Like, sure, there's conventionally "cool" stuff, conventionally "hype" stuff, conventionally "girly" stuff, etc etc, but just because there's a common perception doesn't mean that's everyone's perception. Personally I'd rather just hear what other people think of me than have them repeat to me back what I want to be called~ I find it really interesting to see how people perceive me.

Gender is an interesting topic but ultimately it's just a set of stereotypes an individual holds about the societal differences between sexes.. people are free to explore and define themselves however they wish via using them or not or whatever makes them comfortable~ For me, those kinds of stereotypes are silly to worry about so I don't really care about it much myself.

And as for my nyan characters, I make sure not to define them~ It's not an important aspect of their characters to me so I don't really think about it, so if people feel they're more relatable as a boy or as a girl or as some sexless Barbie-doll-like creature, that's up to them to decide~ I just draw what aesthetics I personally like and I have zero interest in their genitalia so most of my characters are just drawn with flat chests and rounded out bottoms (I call it a "bean body type") and if they were naked they wouldn't have anything visible down there probably (no I don't know how they use the restroom just pretend they're like those dolls that pee when you squeeze them or whatever)

I will also note, I like androgynous characters, I like crossdressing characters, I like traps/reverse traps, etc~ A personal preference I have is for boys who can transform the rigid canvas that is their body into something conventionally feminine and beautiful/cute/etc.. it's something I find really admirable, being able to be that comfortable and confident in what you look like and how you want to look, and having that look be something so aesthetically pleasing despite being a taller hill to climb against your genetics and whatnot... I have a deep respect and admiration for crossdressers who can really pull it off, moreso for those that are openly male wearing traditionally female attire or aesthetics (fiction of course makes it a non-issue because art can be literally anything, but still, I do like pretty anime boys who are confident in dressing how they like and liking beautiful or cute things or whatever, just look at my list of anime husbandos~)

(again gomen if any of that's weird to say but those are just my personal thoughts on the topic~ as always if you feel like deciding what to call me is too much pressure or whatever just use they or some other generic term of your choice to describe me)