Thank you... I do think it's good to be true to oneself, and I will continue to encourage people to enjoy what they like in spite of the world.

I'm in a weird position, I feel, in that I don't know what "true to my feelings" means.. Like, I know I'm a freak and I accept it, but at times it feels performative.. I don't really feel like I'm much of anything sometimes and just try to cling onto something unique I guess.

For brief freak history of the nyan- I was raised to be pure and wholesome and I wanted to be as pure and seiso as possible (and I still have elements of that- I don't like swearing, for example, and I have a weird phobia of graphic sexual things), but I also had a lot of accidents as a kid and in middle school it became a complex helping drive me to suicidal urges and then it became a kink/coping mechanism somehow. The diaper stuff extended from that- middle school nyans really wanted diapers for protection, but they were also ashamed and felt that being caught wearing diapers might be worse than caught having a single accident, so they never told anyone (and then in high school scary ABDL online things made them avoid diaper stuff for awhile but now nyans have accepted them as cute and a good way to portray nyans as pitiful freaks that pee themselves a lot without having to draw them peeing themselves all the time)

Basically I hid my kink for the longest time but now people convince me to be open and sometimes I wonder if I'm being open to be true to myself or just to please/inspire people around me.. I don't dislike it, but I wish I was something "more" still. I wish I could create a variety of stories and scenarios that focus on multiple aspects, but lately these days my head is just empty, so I just latch onto the easy thing... Ah well, it is what it is~

I just worry that I overwhelm those that don't want to see it I guess, with something that probably doesn't need to be shared so often...

It's tricky to say... I think, ideally, I'd like to do that, but it ultimately depends on the person, the content, my mood, etc... I can't make any promises, but it does sound nice..

Drawing art for other people- whether it be commissions, art trades, gifts, etc, is very difficult for me for some reason.. I think a lot of it has to do with the "obligation", something I "have" to draw rather than necessarily "want" to draw, and having x amount of time to get it done and feeling pressured by that.. I wish I wasn't like this, but it's hard to shake, and one of the reasons I don't accept many commissions these days- way too stressful mentally keeping people waiting too long, too much guilt doing anything else instead of what I have to do, etc..

I will say, anyone is always free to reach out to me and we can discuss it~ And yeah, energy be tricky.. I hope I can draw more consistently again someday. I wish you the best with your commissions and health, ganbatte...

In terms of what I want to see of nyans, that's tricky.. I like seeing what other people feel inspired to make with them. In terms of what's allowed, literally anything~ I like to consider all my OCs free to use for anything people want- be it icons, edits, fetish art, ship art, whatever your heart desires~ I think people should be free to express themselves however they want with whatever they can and if my art helps with that at all then I think that's cool.

If I had to choose something for people to draw to help narrow things down.. I love napping nyans.. sleeping or taking naps in various poses or locations.. Also cute nyans with things like plushies and whatnot is good, as well as art of them being pitiful or bullied/bullyable..

I'm not sure... I think a lot of it has to do with a mixture of trusting someone enough to be vulnerable with them, and risking ruining my "image" in other people's eyes or disappointing people, I guess.. It's hard to know if such a person would exist

I've spoken about this stuff on my private vent Twitter, and admittedly that was made a bit out of self-destructive tendencies ("yeah see how awful a person I am, hate me, I don't care anymore" type of stuff), and I have spoken directly to a few people who ask about it, though it's still hard to feel comfortable about it because I don't think I'm capable of fully expressing my thoughts and feelings, and letting myself openly be negative about certain topics just makes me feel... dirty? Like being mean doesn't feel good, at least in the long term.

For those curious about the topics- I'm very open about most things related to me (anything about my past/abuse/self-harm, etc, the whole wetting/diaper stuff, etc), but then there are things that are mostly just the voice of me reading things, wanting to argue against them, but realizing I'm just screaming into the air and being part of the reactionary problem and it doesn't feel good.. basically, political stuffs, social issues, etc. Plus, I don't think I'm an expert on the topics either, I've just formed strong opinions of my own, and I don't think I'm the one capable of explaining them or arguing in favor for them or anything.. (plus seeing that stuff in general can stress me out and so why would I stress my followers out by making these things grow when I could just talk about other things instead to help get our minds off things)

I guess for example one general feeling I have that feels safe enough to share is the wishing death on people. I'm someone who will try never to do that, and it makes me feel sick whenever I see it, personally. But also, I get where people are coming from- some figures people are just tired of and want gone. But still, wishing death is a step farther than I ever wish to take, and it does still hurt when I see people around me do it. Which is essentially the majority of people I know at this point, but still, I've accepted that it's a me thing and that me arguing this is just going to make those around me less comfortable being open around me about these feelings, if that makes sense? I can also definitely be called a fence sitter on a lot of issues because I try to debate a lot of things in my head instead of see things black-and-white, but what good does it to do be a contrarian to these people I like by playing the devil's advocate? Make them feel bad, makes me feel bad and exposed, no one wins.

Anyway just rambling at this point, I have a lot of thoughts and opinions but those are just mine~ In terms of the stuff I want to make art of... basically my own unique views of controversial stuffs, a soapbox of opinions essentially, which I don't think is a good idea to make. I also like the idea of making flawed characters- taking something I believe in, and then pushing it to the extreme to make it "villainous", for example. But ultimately, these ideas don't have solid substance- they're made first and foremost to vent soapbox opinions, and looking for an excuse to vent, and I don't think that is a solid foundation to making something for me personally.

Thank you! I do think I've been in a better place lately compared to how I used to be...

Social media itself is tricky... I used to use Tumblr a lot and have a fairly small following, so I mostly used it for blogging and light venting- paragraphs and paragraphs, because I am very addicted to typing and rambling...

Social media is a scary thing, though... It gives me a pressure, one that doesn't weigh on me as much anymore, but is still definitely there. I don't care about gaining numbers, but losing numbers does weigh on my mind... Any time I vent and am in a bad place, I keep too close an eye on stuff like my follow numbers and watch as it usually goes down, and then use that as fuel to hate myself.. sometimes I'll check some mutuals to be like "please don't let me push them away these are cool people" but for the most part that never happens

Also, because I said all that, let me say- it's healthy to curate your feeds to what you want to see~ Block certain words I say, tell me if you want a specific tag for you to block specific posts from me, etc. Unfollow if you don't vibe with me or my stuff- Following isn't friendship, and there's plenty of cool people I don't follow either because I don't want to be overwhelmed by social media and following so many people I lose track of everything, or just because the stuff they post doesn't fully grab me, but I still think they're cool people y'know? So likewise, I think it's fair to unfollow me or anything, I know I post some fringe stuff after all.

For coping.. I think the best help for me was Discord communities, actually- I used to be mainly on Tumblr and stuff like Yume Nikki dev discords, which were nice, but also a bit stifling admittedly- I was still very much someone who had a lot of dark suppressed thoughts. Then vtubing happened and I joined a certain Picky Chanel's community and that I think was the jumpstart to improving my mental health... so many cool and creative people there, so many connections I was able to make and branch out from there... Bug School is very good and the people there really encouraged me to be more open about myself.

I have two more "venty" accounts- a locked Twitter that I mostly scream into the void in and say bad negative stuff and opinions on my mind I don't think other people should see (but still I let a few close people follow since they wanted to), and the other is basically a dedicated "vent about wetting/diapers" Twitter that did help me open up to sharing that kind of art more regularly, by the time Bluesky happened I basically feel comfortable posting that kind of art on main, for better or worse... I still worry it's too much for some people who follow me though and I still want to branch out and have more variety in my art, but at the very least I don't completely hate myself for drawing this stuff now. But maybe I should have an alt account on Bluesky.. but also I don't want to have a million accounts.... dilemmas..

But yeah, ultimately I do still vent on social media a lot for better or worse, I think the main reason is that I don't know how to DM people nor do I want to unload a burden onto people so I'd rather just speak into the void that is social media and let those who want to involve themselves do and those who want to ignore it ignore it without any pressure~

Love is a tricky thing... deep down, I don't think I'm really capable of my own idea of "love"- I guess you can call it asexual or any other a-things.

To me, I feel that love is something that exists in a variety of forms.. there's the classic idealized romantic love, but there's also so much more that I wish I could see explored more in media.. Family love, the love of a friendship, the love of a passion or hobby, etc etc- a lot of things make it seem that romantic love is end all be all, and I often see in media that if two characters interact in certain ways, they must fall in love, but I always like seeing things like found family or just bros being bros, y'know?

Anyway, so for romantic love- I feel that it varies for everyone. It's the ability for people to feel a mutual bond, a connection with each other. Everyone has different ways- some people have a symbiotic relationship, where they make up for each other's shortcomings. Some people want to be a hero, a caregiver, etc, and their ideal partners are people who are struggling and can't take care of themselves who are looking for someone to depend on. As long as both parties are happy, that's what matters. I see a lot of people desperately in love who confide in me- a lot of what they describe to me are two things. One, infatuation. They love the idea of a person- a streamer, a public figure, or maybe just someone popular on a Discord server. But they don't know this person deep down, it's a selfish desire to have them, because they feel that this person likes things in a similar way they do, or something. I feel love is something that requires a more deeper understanding than that, and it's a two way street. I think infatuation can lead to love, but one must put aside their desires and use it to start small- aim for a friendship, not a partner. If things go on from there and work out, test the waters, and if there's resistance, understand the boundaries and be happy with what you have.

The second is people who want a relationship as some kind of status symbol- they feel like they're a failure because they don't have a partner. They don't want a friend, they want to jump immediately to having a partner, because of some mindset of "that's what you're supposed to have". There's other things too- feeling lonely, for example, but there are other ways to fulfill loneliness without having a relationship. I think this is putting the cart before the horse- I think it boils down to again, making a friend, having a friend group, and then seeing who you get along with that the two of you can be mutually beneficial for. And again, if it doesn't evolve, you still have a friend out of it, right?

For me, my ideal "partner" would be someone I can trust wholeheartedly- my go-to example is someone I can play a game like Mario Party with, be in a team minigame, and stare into their eyes as I put down the controller and cause them to lose, costing them enough coins to get a Star on the next turn... and being able to enjoy that together (vice versa as well, of course- I want my partner to be able to crush my soul in party games).

However, I'm a selfish person- I want to be the one taken care of, without giving much in return, which I do not think is fair or healthy. People want to be appreciated for their efforts, and I am someone who is very bad at showing affection to other people, even those I date (it's cost me multiple friendships/partners, and fairly so). I don't like being touched or touching others. I don't like sexual things or intimacy whatsoever. I don't like being stressed by overanalyzing every little thing I do to make sure they're happy, and still falling short, and me ending up unhappy as a result. I'm someone who just wants to go with the flow and be comfortable, and have other people take care of my problems for me, which is very unfair to any potential partners. I'd like someone who I can goof around with, play games, and poke fun at each other with playful insults, but only when the mood strikes me, and otherwise, a lot more alone time as well- like, weeks at a time of solitude.

All this to say- I don't think I'm made for love, and I don't think it's fair for me to humor it. Never say never, of course, but it's not something I'm actively seeking at the very least.

Thank you, anon...

Thankfully, these days, the suicidal ideation is mostly subsided- sometimes it comes back, but for most days it's fairly under control. I still think I'm depressed overall, but meds do help that aspect at the moment.

It does kind of feel like depression bed rotting lately, but without the depressed mood.. just no energy lately, extremely fatigued, but more like I haven't slept moreso than "I want to do nothing but sleep", though at the same time I think I do still feel that subconsciously..? Brain worms can be powerful..

People are very kind to me, and I'm very grateful.. at the moment, I just wish I could achieve something that I want. Trying to draw these days is a frustrating struggle, trying to make progress against all the walls I run into is hard, and work is work.. but I am making some progress with stuff at least, like losing weight (if slowly) and streaming more regularly, which is nice.

I think the big issue is that I constantly struggle with is lack of drive and motivation- I want to do these things, but I also want to want to do things, y'know..? Like yeah I want to make a comic and I want to draw lots of nyans and I want to learn Japanese and I want to make a video game, but I also don't really apply myself and can't really figure out how to get myself doing things, or in the case of art, figure out what it is I want to draw.. I know I want to draw, but blind scribbling doesn't work, drawing different things doesn't hit the same, and I don't really have anything I strongly feel the need to vent these days so vent art is at a minimal. I feel like I've hit a wall that I don't know how to get by.. It's like, "I don't really want to do this, I don't really want to do anything, I just want to be a person that does want to do something", if that makes sense.

I'm still definitely someone with low self-esteem and self-worth, but like it was said, people have been very kind and supportive of the nyans, and I'm very grateful... I'll keep trying to keep a more positive momentum goingg- And thank you again, anon..

Honestly, not really.. if anything, I struggle to do things in general, overwhelmed or not, aha... I usually just lay in bed when I'm overwhelmed..

I'm the type of gamer who likes to complete games, but I don't tend to play "recreationally" I guess? Like I usually need an objective, I'm bad at just picking up a game for a few hours to just play it, and it's a struggle just to have myself start games (streams help force me get to my backlog).. There's stuff like Picross, Panel de Pon, etc, but I barely play those on my own after beating my personal missions with them.

Same with anime and stuff, I find it hard to just sit down and put something on to watch... I need someone else to make me watch something, even if I'm just sitting doing nothing and feeling like a waste... It's like pulling teeth for some reason, maybe I just get too restless sitting and doing nothing but watching something, and I can't just leave something on in the background- I have to properly consume and digest things I watch.

Still, to try to answer the question properly for recommendations.. I do think something simple puzzle games like Panel de Pon or Picross are good ways to take your mind off things. I used to play Splatoon a lot as well, though that's a double-edged sword- playing that game in a foul mood can worsen my mood and stress me out even more, aha... So maybe something not competitive, something small that you can play, like a puzzle game, or a short game you can finish in a couple hours and feel like you've accomplished something~ Yume Nikki, Cave Story, the Knytt series/Within a Deep Forest, those are all some free PC games (minus Knytt Underground) that one can play and beat in a couple sittings and ones I personally enjoy a lot. Things like older platformers like Kirby games or the like can fill that role as well. If my mind is in a searching mood, I like to hunt for new manga to read (usually by looking at "latest updated" on manga sites for pages and pages and seeing if any titles or cover art grab me enough to click on them, though I haven't done that in a little bit..)

The Nyan mindset is a tricky one, forged by many hardships and peanut butter...

People do often tell me I'm pretty down to earth and patient and stuff, which I'm glad. If I had to give a serious answer as to why I'm like this, probably a mix of my upbringing and growing up on the internet- My family was pretty awful, but I ended up using them as role models of what not to be like. I also was terminally online and lived through so much silly stuff that I guess it desensitized me a lot to stuff, and I'd also spend a lot of time just alone in my thoughts since I didn't really have many connections until later in life, so I'd reflect a lot on stuff all the time.

My advice~ Remember, we're all humans in the end. Life's too short to worry about a lot of stuff. Hating stuff and filling your brain with too much negative stuff also isn't healthy, though I admit I still do that from time to time myself, and it's human to have thoughts and opinions even if they differ from those around you. I don't like hurting people or upsetting people, so I tend to keep some of my more controversial thoughts more private, but I think it's good to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and try to accept people as people. I hated my father and my sister with a burning passion, the only two people I could ever truly say I hated, but even then, they were people as well. People I didn't want in my life, but still people with their own friends and connections and likes and dislikes and reasons for doing things and stuff, even if I disagreed with most of them.

I'm just rambling stuff at this moment but yeah~ Be kind and stuff~ Life's too short~ Like what you like and try to be easy on yourself or at the very least avoid being too hard when you realize you're being hard on yourself~