This video was all the rage when it first came out and you’re right, no one speaks of it anymore. You can rant to me about anything I always love speaking to you, potato. Reason or no reason I am here to listen. So sorry it took me a literal month to reply but wow, I’m thinking. The gears are turning.

After this is probably when cortis starts becoming more evil towards James because they’re justifying it. Keonho whining more and becoming just an annoying piece of shit who can’t function unless James makes eye contact with him at least 32 times a day. Like, he becomes so bratty and spoiled but James is the eldest and it’s his duty to keep the group in check so he’ll always bend to his desires. There’s guilt if he doesn’t but James is also under the impression that it’s not that serious. He wants me to sit next to him during movie nights? Fine. He wants to use one of my plushies to cuddle up with? That’s ok. He will only use a straw if I sipped through it first? Weird, but not sinister! Like, James… you poor soul I love how thoughtless you can be. He just never looks at them like they’re capable of monstrosities and that makes my body tingle, honestly. He’s the perfect victim, in some ways.

And they’re all definitely manipulating him. Keonho is just a kid doing kid things. James can’t blame him. But when there is blame, it shifts all onto James because they do guilt trip him. “I think Martin may mess up less on stage if you interacted with him a bit more,” says Juhoon. “Hyung doesn’t need me for advice anymore. You can ask Ni-ki,” says Seonghyeon. And Martin imo can be the worst ever to James and the best to read about because he’s both so angelic and evil to me. Like, he’s such a sweet angel who is totally capable of doing something irredeemable because he’s so busy keeping certain traits of himself locked away to keep up with his saintly portrayal. And Martin is such an actor. He can fake tears and wobble his voice just right to get James’ resolve to crumble just slightly. I think James would have a lot more pushback when it comes to Martin, but that also makes everything worse because James feels the distance which fuels his guilt.

I love this because they can get so wicked in so many ways and it looks innocent enough at first. Then, when James begins to question it, they flip it back on him not caring for them, not liking them, thinking that cortis isn’t ‘enough’ for him anymore. It’s so good James will suffer so much. Yay. I will be putting this in my drafts thank you for sharing, potato! Mwah, kisses.

Hello, seashell anon. I’ll try my best to help you through my answer.

I think one of the ways to try and find your voice while writing is to immerse yourself in what you’re writing. Use all your senses if you have to. Get crazy with it, imagine how you want your writing to feel, smell like and taste like. Be aware of the feelings you want to evoke and the reactions you want people to have. Even if the writing is just for you, let your mind go and have the vibe of what you’re writing take over. Submit completely to creativity.

Also, allow yourself to experiment. Nothing in life is linear. You can revisit things later and revise them later. Try to think of your drafts as progress or milestones, don’t delete them. You can learn from them. Don’t try so hard to find a singular voice. Sometimes different ideas call for a different narrator. Be open and expansive, open-minded instead of judgmental, and most importantly allow it to take time. Enjoy the journey, or at least make the effort to. It’s less stressful that way.

Thank you for this ask and have a wonderful day. Much love, anon. I hope this helped. Mwah

First of all I want to thank you for your kind words. I am so incredibly thankful that my fic has received this much love and recognition. It warms my heart greatly and I appreciate all of your sweet comments, truly. And much love for this question! I'll gladly answer.

My process in characterizing James the way I did was by first recognizing the very real fact that he disassociates quite often. Then, I thought about incorporating his past traumatic experiences without explicitly making it obvious. The tag "Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues" came after I wrote the scene of James saying Martin could touch him because he doesn't mind it. I felt this tag closely represented how I wanted to characterize James and that was as a person who could not be trusted to give their consent because they simply think they don't have the ability to give it. Because of his past experiences (childhood trauma perhaps) of being touched without wanting it, he tells Martin it's okay to ease his mind, not because he's fine with it. His identity was already fragmented or skewed coming into this (writing it) and that's why I think it came easy to portray him this way because in my mind his personality and trauma was pre-established.

The "Loss of Control" tag is also there because I wanted to make it seem as if James was losing his grip on reality. Things are bad but they just keep getting worse and he can't seem to fix it or stop it. He continues to let it happen because it's always been happening. It never stopped when he said no or looked visibly uncomfortable. So he learns to deal with it and his coping mechanism is to just try and lose contact with all five of his senses as much as possible. It comes naturally to him. And because James is so perfectly pliant, so readily submissive and will never dare to say no (because he already believes he can't and that he doesn't have a choice) they all toy with him in their own ways. It's a certain fascination, a grim curiosity. It's why I think I wrote some of the scenes the way I did, like Juhoon choking him. His intention was never to kill James, but to see how far he can go before James' survival instincts kick in. And that's the dreadful part. Because they never do.

I love discussing the 'why' behind my writing this was so fun and insightful even for me. Thank you a bunch for this lovely question and I hope I adequately answered it (without writing too much). Please feel free to send more if you feel called to. Much love, Anon! Kisses ^^