weird that this is the one i'm actually giving a like real heartfelt answer to but the truth is i wish i knew. i think spending most of my childhood, all of my adolescence and most of my adult life tying my self-image to grades, accomplishments and being a model student - at guitar, in school, in the japanese department, etc. - and especially as i approached thirty i realized that the goalposts were always going to move and the fundamental insecurity that was driving me wasn't going anywhere. like i got pretty good at fighting games, right? but then i told myself well now i have to be a top player. then i actually became a top player, and right on cue, it was like okay, but are you WINNING tournaments or are you getting top 3? you have to win. and it would just keep going like that forever for every hobby and every passing interest.

one realization i came to was that i was trying to earn attention, and while i know "attention-seeking" is a dirty word, to be perfectly honest i think we have unhealthy and unfair attitudes toward this. why is it okay to destroy your mental and even physical health grinding away in hopes someone will give you the time of day, but not to simply say "i need attention?" i know this isn't specific to my own insecurities and anxieties because what's the stereotype about guitarists? you pick up guitar so you can pick up girls. i think this idea that attention is something you have to earn, and if you can't prove you deserve it you should just shut up and keep to yourself, is deeply fucked up. in fact, if i can use the p word, it comes from a patriarchal place where we're meant to believe that the few maximally privileged men at the top of the mountain earned and naturally deserve all of the validation they're given by default, and if women, sexual and gender minorities, ethnic and racial minorities, people with disabilities and all other marginalized people want the same safety net that afforded bill gates the opportunity to drop out of harvard and bet big on his business idea, they're asking for a handout and should have earned it just like he did.

this is all a long-winded way to say that it took me almost three decades to realize that i even deserve any sort of kindness or consideration from anyone else, which means on the rare occasion i post "spoil me please" on social media, which to be clear is something i do because i think we should ALL be allowed to do it without shame, and someone actually replies and goes "okay! where do i start?" i'm like the dog that caught the mail truck and i'm just like... uhh... now what