BABYYY that's the universal experience i'm afraid! you're doing everything right, they're just them! your brain knows they're too difficult to let you a spin a happy story so it's just correctly recognizing the patterns and building a more realistic scenario dkjdsds

thank you for your kind words about my fic! i get you about not wanting to write canon comp, i'm kind of the same. too damaging for my psyche and too restrictive in terms of how cozy and indulgent i want to make it (and i do wanna make it indulgent most of the time). for a while (until maybe like 2021) i actually felt icky about writing about them irl cause it felt intrusive and also too restrictive for me. then i got over the icky part somehow but the restrictiveness stayed. i don't think i'll ever want to write a longer canon-comp work.
about the inspo for new worlds - i just steal honestly. like i read somebody else's fic and i think wow that setting/situation/etc is hot, i wonder how i could make it even more torturous dskjds or like if two characters on tv/in a movie have great chemistry, i'm like ok now this but with johnten. that's basically it.

thank you for being hyped for gotde2 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 it's going slow but i'm determined to finish it!

lmaoooo i couldn't open neospring either but i then i thought maybe my clipdiary (desktop app that keeps a record of your clipboard) still has it cause it keeps like the last 10k entries... AND IT DID KEEP IT. so thank you for reminding me, here's the full thing. i'm quite fond of it too, i'm glad i saved it:

ok being extremely real delusional rn i don't think they were ever together. in my mind ten was very obviously into him but never tried anything cause their power dynamic predebut and early on didn't really allow him to be bold like that (see the second biggest problem below). and johnny knew (or suspected at least) and found it thrilling or flattering but also embarrassing and he's much more worried than ten about his reputation and image among the others (with so many years wasted on sm already) so he never encouraged ten. but never openly discouraged him either cause he knew it'd break ten's heart beyond just the pain of being rejected - like it'd mean johnny loved him less specifically for being his flirty fruity self, which couldn't be farther from the truth.

i have a sub-theory that ten came out to him early on (speculated on this a bit in happen ch. 27) and johnny was extremely cool with it like almost performatively supportive. not letting himself or ten treat it as a confession of love or even grounds for one. and maybe ten was equally anxious so he played along (they're too good at "yes, and" with each other and that includes avoidant behavior). so they graduated their relationship to "buddies who make gay jokes and the underlying joke is that it's not a joke but we all laugh anyway." then the fans started getting the underlying joke and johnny went into his current "gay unless it's ten" mode to prevent it getting too big. no doubt also framing it as taking care of ten in his head.

johnny loves to be loved i think. and among everyone, and especially being the black sheep at sm, ten's open adoration was something he cherished a lot and felt tender about, whether it was romantic or not. he loves being loved but hates not being in control of the situation, so he'd rather stay the impenetrable hyung who's there to help and love unconditionally and make ten laugh but not to be vulnerable back (see the second biggest problem). johnny's own feelings and desires are a mystery even to him, i'm convinced. he's so deep into risk management he has no idea what he wants. he wants security first and foremost. helplessly adoring ten is something that feels good but doesn't feel secure, so we'd better reel it in as soon as we notice the emotion.

ten has lost a lot of his blind adoration for him in the last few years though :/ you can only be young and stupid for so long before you start noticing the lack of effort from the other person (and not just lack of opportunity given to you by fate).

then, their first biggest problem is that they don't talk but their chemistry and mutual attraction save their interactions every time they meet up so they are never forced to make an effort to maintain and deepen their relationship. and i think atp they have kinda accepted they're not as close but every time they're in the same room they can't help but test how far that unfailing connection can stretch and how much they can get away with before the other person communicates a boundary (is there one? are we different people now than we used to be? see the second biggest problem). re johnny's sudden manhandling outbursts and them always being found standing/sitting together in the back of the group.

their second biggest problem is that people who meet rarely and don't get to watch each other change tend to revert to their old selves when they meet (like you meeting your old classmate and thinking they're still the same person they were at 17). and i think it makes ten revert to his role of little brother who lets johnny lead and command what happens, so he won't initiate anything, and johnny is passive to the point of avoidance cause i think he's a little scared of change, and specifically of losing something small he already has (like the dregs of his friendship with ten) by trying to get something bigger (be it a relationship, an honest conversation, a resolution, etc.).

sigh