My mother was kind and well meaning but she was a wallflower with a lot of mental issues.. I did love her though but yeah...

So, nyan family history time because I like to ramble~
Father- Physically and verbally abusive heavy alcoholic. Notable incidents include but not limited to: drunkenly cutting my chest with a knife when I was like 4, spanking regularly both with hand and belt (until I told my teacher in second grade he hits me with a belt, after that he stopped belting and leaving visible marks on me and I was upset because I wanted proof to show people what he did...), calling me slurs more than my real name, threatening to kill us all regularly, beating my mother regularly (even bending her leg backwards requiring three knee surgeries that never fully fixed it), threatening to shoot me with a shotgun in my sleep and randomly waking me up to kick me out of the house in a drunken rage, trying to sell our favorite things in drunken yard sales and throwing all our possessions in the yard, tearing up all our family photos, the aforementioned threatening to mutilate me for wetting myself.. one silly story I remember is having a PS1 for my 8th birthday my uncle got me, and we had an Atari collection game on it.. He'd always insult us by getting a better score than us in the games while we were at school, but one game I got a high score he couldn't beat, so he threw the PS1, game, and memory card away in anger (my mother saw and fished it out of the garbage and told us later what he did and why he did it). But then he died of like his fourth or fifth heart attack when I went to college and he tried making amends by buying me my current art tablet for my birthday shortly before that, and then he left me in what became $110K debt because of how much he refinanced our ~$30K house before he died (my parents never married and so I was next of kin and inherited it, eventually I transferred ownership to my mother, but my sister got involved and took over instead.. but my name luckily wasn't involved at that point so I'm debt free now since everyone died~)

My sister meanwhile... total psychopath. She was a year younger than me, and she was a lot more social than I was, but she was the most manipulative person I've known... She learned early on that if say our parents didn't know who started the fight, we'd both get in trouble, so she'd often bring me down with her in any fights or anything else that got us in trouble (not that I was a perfect child, but my sister really had a finesse about how she did it..) She started smoking and drinking in her tweens, and then by 16 she was a heroin addict, and she was scary.. she'd take after my father a lot and constantly have screaming matches with him, instead of de-escalating, and usually my mother and I would suffer the consequences.. She was a shoplifting addict and also stole a lot of money and stuff from us, including my laptop several times (my mother always managed to pull strings to get it back somehow), my Game Boy and games for it, my mother's purse and money (eventually even getting my mother's social security card and birth certificate thrown overboard on a cruise somehow after getting in a fight with someone and having them on her for some reason), she was violent and we'd get into biting and scratching fights a lot as kids, then she'd do stuff like smash laundry baskets or video game controllers onto my head.. she had my father's habit of calling me slurs as well. She'd try to get along randomly, and after denying her, she became bitter and vicious- she definitely had some kind of bipolar disorder, and she knew how to do crocodile tears perfectly.. she manipulated my mother very easily and was a strong liar. She also lied about me constantly to other people to try to ruin my reputation, stuff like I would abuse my mother or whatnot (stuff she often did), to the point my mother's friends would call me telling me "yeah your sister is going around the neighborhood saying you did x, which I know you didn't, but I thought you should know". Definitely did not help my anxiety at all... later in life she became more dangerous, sleeping with dangerous guys all the time who'd then want to kill her and come to our house with guns and we'd hide until they left, or they'd dump garbage in our pool or scratch our car/slash our tires, etc... She had a lot of enemies... I remember I'd start recording her just for evidence at one point, one of which was her in one of her meltdowns trying to stab me with her used heroin needle (she had hepatitis and who knows what else so that was scary), she'd break the locks I'd install on my bedroom door and steal stuff, she even threw my frail crippled mother down the stairs once and punched her in the face the day she was getting a cast for a broken neck taken off... sorry I'm just trauma dumping at this point but basically she overdosed in 2020 and it was one of the best days of my life. I try not to hate people or wish death on anyone... but my sister and my father, they were the two people I hated the most, and while even I don't think they deserved death, their deaths really made my life so much more relaxed...

... anyway so my mother right

So she was kind and loving, but she had issues like I said. She was sickly and had a lot of breathing issues from her smoking addiction, which she stopped when I was 10, but then still suffered long term consequences. She could barely walk thanks to my father's abuse, and she even broke her neck later in life tripping on a cat and falling down the stairs.. She cheated on my father with some guy for years, but she'd never leave my father or take us out of that house, and I did hold resentment towards her for it admittedly.. She's also one of the reasons I'm deeply avoidant of sexual things, she drilled it into us how sex and nudity is bad and stuff like that. I remember as a child walking in on her getting dressed, and she screamed so loud and smacked me so hard I went flying. I found out towards her last years that she was violently raped when she was 17 (in front of where I worked at the time, which felt awkward to learn..), had a daughter before me, and had to give her up. I never met her or learned her name, but she refused contact from my mother until those last few years apparently, so a lot of her quirks suddenly made sense after that once I realized how traumatized that left her. She was also mentally ill in general- she was on 21 different medications by the time she passed, and many of them were different antidepressants. She tried overdosing two or three times in my life, usually from her boyfriend cheating on her (as she was cheating on my father, curiously enough), and I had to stay up all night with her and take care of her because she regretted doing it and begged me to save her, but refused to go to the hospital.. Eventually she broke her neck which almost paralyzed her from the neck down like I said, and after that she became riddled with dementia, eventually passing away from complications due to alzheimers and after completely stopping taking care of herself after my sister overdosed.

So anyway uh to answer the original question whoops

So, my mother was helpful and supportive- she got depressed easily, she worked night shift and slept most of the time, so my only time with her was days off- I also learned to be very quiet in general so I'd never disturb her sleep. We shared a bed, which was the living room couch- I'd take it at night and she'd take it during the day, so I have a feeling she knew I was a bedwetter, but she never said anything about it. I always flipped the couch cushions and tried to seem like a good kid by putting away my blankets every morning myself. I'd hide my soiled underwear under random furniture and re-wear and re-soil over and over again until it'd get maggots in it, where I'd then try to hide it in the bottom of a laundry basket if I was aware she was doing laundry soon. She only confronted me once about it in middle school, I remember being on the stairs and her asking if I had an accident, I muttered yes, she asked if I wanted to talk about it, I said no, and she never asked about it again. I assumed she knew, but she never told me otherwise. I kept it a secret from my father and sister, and I'm pretty sure they didn't know, or they'd bully me relentlessly over it and tell everyone in my school and anyone I knew about it (any time I had guests my father would try to tell them things to make me look bad out of spite).

I was very attached to her, and she did everything for me.. tie my shoes, bathe me until late high school, etc, she even wiped my sister and I every time we used the restroom until I was in middle school and my sister was in high school. She helped me a lot with accidents when I was in elementary, and she didn't say much about those times either- she'd almost feign "why did you do this?" but never really did much else and left the topic alone. I think she wanted my sister and I to depend on her a lot and enabled us so that we would. I couldn't even speak to anyone but her and I'd have her do most of the talking for anything. I remember when I got caught cutting myself at school, and she asked me, and I said it was the cat, and so she said it was the cat, and she left it at that, for better or worse. Any time I threatened to kill myself or hurt myself, she'd always respond "why are you doing this to me, why do you hate me", and similar things.. Any time I swore, she also hated it, despite my father swearing like a sailor all the time. Any time I did, she'd force me to eat left over chips of soap in the bathroom- a little smaller than a potato chip, she'd cover my mouth until I'd swallow it any time I swore until like high school. She'd spank me too as a little kid, but the kind of "hard enough to say you did wrong but not meant to actually hurt" kind of spanking.

Basically, she was kind and supportive, but she was also an enabler, and her big issue is that she wanted to be "friends" and not a parent. She'd never punish us, she'd never force us to eat anything we said no to, etc, because she didn't want us to hate her. She'd tell me in private that I was the favorite, but then once I heard her tell my sister in private that she was the favorite, which you know, isn't healthy for kids. She'd bend over backwards for my sister, giving her money and bailing her out constantly- money that I was giving her from my job to keep us from being homeless, which really irked me. Her friends would also come to her for money often, and she'd give it, even if she didn't have any to give, because she was so desperate for people to like her. I remember one thing I feel guilty over- my mother always wanted to be a mom, and she always wanted to be called a mom. So my father, out of spite, trained my sister and I to never call them mom and dad, only by their first names, and my mother would break down crying all the time over it... My whole life, I could never call her any form of "mom", just her first name until second grade, and then I started calling her by a petname we heard on TV once (that was also her email, I forget what came first though), and I called her that all her life.

Sorry for the long long trauma dumping... just felt like it was a good opportunity to talk about it since I've been so open about stuff lately. I wanted to write about all this in Rotten Nyan, but never got around to it...