hmm … awalnya aku ngobrol biasa with this friend (we’re moots on twt). we occasionally flirted. until one day i realized my fixation toward her was much more than friends. aku tuh CAPER bgt sama cewek ini. dia kalo ngobrol sama yang lain aja i got jealous af. i thought i was being unreasonably obsessive. tapi beneran HAUS perhatian dia bgt lmao. and everytime we flirted i had this butterfly in stomach. i rly rly liked this person even before i met her. when i finally met her, i couldnt say she wasn’t gorgeous, tbh physically she’s cute but not extraordinary. yet in my eyes she’s the loveliest person. duh pokoknya aku bucin bgt hahaha 😭 she was into anime and few bl books—i watched and read them all so i can TALK with her. kind of pathetic, i know. i realized that when we finally met in person, slight touch aja udah bikin aku deg2an (loser). i thought it was bcs of our first met. the second, third and after that—the feeling is still the same, even stronger. yeah, that’s how i know i’m bisexual.

let’s move on to your case. hmmmm idk if sexual attraction can be considered as bi or not. bcs lbr, even straight men sometimes sleep with another men only to fulfill their sexual needs and fantasy. i think sexuality and gender is deeper than that. imagine you spend the rest of your life with that person, can you? can you imagine—or dream to walking down the aisle with her? tbh balik lagi ke answerku yang sebelumnya, sometimes you need to … experiment to know better? for my case, i rarely fell for attractive person. aku biasanya gampang baper when we have a good time or chemistry—if they’re attractive person, that’s a plus point :p (tapi biasanya sih sepaket ya. i like beauty, brain and behavior hahaha)

hi. i'm quite speechless when i got this on my inbox. what you told me are exactly the messages i wanted to convey to the readers. when you said that stigma was raw ... man ... you got it 😭 i need to dig my memories when i was hot blooded youngster, with ego and temper bigger than my body. when i was made mistakes—lots of them so i can give you the picture of how raw their feelings, struggle and ugly fights with a friend in the story. and i'm so ... so happy that this story can be a safe place for you, for us. actually it was a
"mission" i carried. i wanted ppl to know how hard & alienated we are in the society. how we are always hyper aware of the surroundings and hiding from scrutiny. aside from that i also emphasized on the characters' personal growth in the hope once the story is finished i can change the readers' "stigma".

i know it was not easy. especially when i intentionally approach the topic with something that is close to reality (ugh i toned down a bit bcs reality is UGLY). i thought i did my best by tread this topic carefully while maybe best is still not enough. these days, when i happened to re-read stigma, i found myself frowning. i could do something better than the piece i posted, i could explain things more thoroughly. that's why i dont like rereading my works, i kept focusing on the flaws hahaha. but whatever it is i'm glad they're out in the public where you guys can read the completed version of stigma. i honestly didnt imagine this story—where i channel lots of my worries and concerns would receive this much love. i'm so so happy the characters can be friends to you, even someone you look up to! like i said before, i like portraying flawed characters (not evil, just flawed)—because they're everywhere and they can be better persons once they learned something. they are us. that way i want my characters to be relatable to the readers, so you'd know how it feels to be seen and heard. ah ... actually idk what to say anymore to express how touched i am upon your messages. thank you so much for taking your time to write this, i promise i'll keep it close to my heart 💗

ps. are you the one who wanted to meet at the con? let's do it!

tbh i was quite a late bloomer? i only realized and accepted my sexuality after graduated from uni. i’m being friends with mostly cishets so i was quite in the dark except for my bestfriend from junior high school. back in school he was quite like a … diva you know. the kind of twink that full of confident. actually no one believed he was straight bcs … its like a crystal clear 😭 back then we were so clooseee. he often visited my house. even after we went to different high school, he still visited to hang out (and our house were quite far tbh). although he was popular in his school—yes, he’s an extrovert diva, he still visited my school and even bcm friends with schoolmates. ppl used to say that “we were a thing” but i know it better, he’s like a brother to me. even after we went to uni—even though we attended different uni, somehow we moved to another town together. and we have this tradition to celebrate valentines’ day together hahaha. until the second year of uni i think? he came out to me. he was the first gay friend i have in my life. at first it was quite hard to grasp something that i used to saw on the TV or read from comic book …suddenly become so close… so real. it was hard for me to digest bcs i knew it well how he got bullied back in school or the way ppl called him names behind his back. i used to stand up for him with the mindset whatever the accusations, they weren’t true. until i realized, those names and mockery were true …

ngl i couldn’t sleep for days lol. after that i tried to learn more about lgbt & queer. i wanted to have better understandings of my bestfriend. until one day i fell in love with a girl. it was … weird at first. bcs through my entire life, ppl told me that we can only be friends with girls. tbh before this girl, i also hve few girls crushes—there are ones whom i acted on it while only admiring the others. but my first wlw crush hit so hard. the feelings lasted for years. i knew it was romantic feelings bcs i felt the same things i feel toward my boy crush (i’m a bi btw). at that time i need to do things to assure whatever i feel was more than platonic. when i was sure of my feelings … i confessed and the rejection was so TRAGIC??? i cried for a month. lmao. i never cried that hard for man 😪 i think that was the point i accepted my sexuality. after that i occasionally have relationship (or situationship) between male & female back to back lmao im sorry being a bi is confusing sometimes. for me, personally, i never plan or seek for love nor partner. i’ll fall when i fell. i’ll catch feelings to whomever i had best chemistry and nice conversation. when i hvent found that person, then i’m going solo (like now). tbh being an adult like me … i dont think i cant handle relationship well. for me 24 hours for a day felt less, i need more hahaha. my energy alr gone after went to work. during weekends i usually meet my friends or hibernate & do my hobbies. so, for now … being alone is enjoyable but ofc deep down i want to have a partner whom i can rely and share memories together. i think in conclusion … the only way to know sometimes by jump into it. let yourself feel it, experience, explore your own feelings—that way you’ll know yourself better. hope that helps (i guess!)