Dearest momo my beloved,
First off, am honored you enjoyed that fic enough to re-read it. I love you for that, and I am deeply honored. It is long af and that means the world to me.
Secondly! Yes, basically he had struggled with his 'control issues' being seen as bad (told to him in film school, by his jealous/more experienced peers, by his mentors) and so naturally came to the realization that those extended to sex with a mindset already predisposed to think of them badly. He was scared to admit to them at all, and guilty from the get-go (this is also partially inspired by talking to non-bdsm knowledgeable people in my life who see bdsm as inherently bad. it's easy to forget in a fandom space but i interact with a lot of people who think that no one "healthy" wants to be hit, for example, and no one "loving" wants to hit someone. So I took our more conservative societal notions and in the hyper-conservative omegaverse world of Star-Studded, that would be amped up even more. Enter Chan and his partner. They were in a relationship; it was the only verging-on-serious one Chan ever ventured into before Felix. He's slooooowly considering letting his guard down, admitting to a deep, dark, possibly evil(? he thinks) want, to see how it will be received.... and his partner was SCARED of him. He brought it up in conversation, I picture him as suuuper nervous and fidgety and psyching himself up to reveal this tender, guarded part of himself, and she lashed out. For Chan, if she'd been angry that would have been better almost, but to SCARE her...? She made him feel awful and like he should be ashamed, should have been too ashamed to even admit it to her. So naturally Chan retreated, apologized profusely, she broke up with him for it and it cemented to him just how horrible a person he inherently was. Scarred him for a.... long time...... NOT forever :) Happily :))))