such a charged question. it can't possibly be due to the fact that i'm listening to mezzanine right now, could it? or that this was sent to me at such an odd hour? (yes, i looked at that too). thank you for asking. i don't think anyone relevant — other than you, of course — is going to read this, so i'll bite & let you take a peek at my tenderness. why not.

i regret not listening to my intuition more. i do this really f*cking annoying thing where i trust people more than i should — allow the feel-goodness of it all to sweep me away, only to be brutally reminded of their fickleness. while a part of me believes in 'the faithful shall be rewarded,' i've also been sentient long enough to know that that's just not the case. god has his favorites, unfortunately, and i just don't have that sort of dumb luck. that's why i've turned my back on him to seek clarity and guidance from the universe. i think she's a lot more merciful.

at the same time, just because i regret something doesn't mean i wouldn't do it again. i'm really annoying about that, too. i'm such a hypocrite and i love operating in the morally grey. i could tear something apart and spit fire at it all, but also be the first to say yes if i was asked to do it again — especially if it broke my heart. fuck, i don't know where this is going. in my diary, i guess?