bleupoisson · 26d
I'm not exactly active on there either, but like you, I signed up here too in order to chat in very few occasions with authors. In hindsight, I probably should've reached out there first—I had noticed, through a few other authors' accounts, that you had an account here, but completely forgot about it.
Actually, my question before wasn't really driven by curiosity. It was more about acknowledging what you've been through, rather than simply glossing over it because it only came up briefly in a comment section. People often say that something good can come out of something bad, and that even the worst experiences, mistakes, or failures can eventually lead to something positive, even if we don't see it straight away—or sometimes not until much, much later.
I've always had a bit of a complicated relationship with the phrase, "I'm sorry for what you went through." In general, it feels like stepping into someone else's story in a way that isn't necessarily yours to occupy, and I also think it can sometimes come across as pity, even when it's really meant as empathy or even simply an acknowledgment while being very neutral. And it was the case for me, here... it was simply about acknowledging your experience. That's why I wanted to put the emphasis on thank you on sharing rather than I'm sorry!
I don't know whether you've read the new chapter yet, or when you'll end up reading this message, but either way—and without spoiling anything— CC is... everything we could reasonably hope for from a main protagonist (to not say a "hero"), in his own way. I don't think either of us really doubted the author or the direction the story was heading in, but it's still incredibly reassuring—and honestly quite satisfying—to see it play out.
And yes, your ex really doesn't seem to have much in common with him beyond that one very specific moment... I've had more than one person with NPD in my life (though in entirely different contexts), so I'm unfortunately familiar with the patterns: how they think, how they behave. And sadly, they're far more common to come across than the opposite.
The Tumblr post you shared was genuinely fascinating, by the way. It did leave me wondering, though: is it yours, or is it more of an idea you're thinking of pursuing, like you mentioned in your comment? Is it connected to your PhD at all?
You certainly sound busy! Best of luck with the PhD—fall is coming around quickly now. Feeling ready for it?
Hi 👋 bleupoisson! So glad to hear from you. 😊
First, I totally appreciate the empathy. I actually research empathy along with equity consciousness and critical thinking. I have read a lot of lived experiences of people with different medical issues and you are correct. Most say people only pity them. I did not get that from your reply, though, so no worries!
I think experiences lead to learned lessons more than a positive. Take for example someone dying from cancer. That is not a positive. But, someone learning how to live the rest of their life in a situation that is a negative is a learned lesson. Once we learn how to adapt to change, whether the change is a positive or a negative, it becomes easier to breathe through the bad. It doesn't end the bad. It doesn't mean life experiences turn positive. Just that we learn contentment, peace, and acceptance in the present while dying. Most of our angst in life comes from trying to change the bad when we need to change our actions and reaction to the bad instead. That is the key. We are all dying... most of us don't know when or how long we have though. We have it inside of us to live peacefully in the midst of bad things happening.
I'll go read the new chapter later today. Thank you for letting me know!
My relationship was nothing like CC and WW's friendship, you are again correct. I was married 23 years, so I stayed a long time in an abusive environment. They threatened me with them taking away my kids if I went back to school to get a degree; anytime I was the least bit happy they had to take me down a peg or two or more; they controlled all of my personal decisions and lied to get me to marry them (admitted to this lie after we separated); and they constantly made to feel "less than" daily. Every day they needed to make sure I was unhappy to make themselves feel grounded. NPD is a hell of a personality disorder to live with for the other person.
There are many reasons why I stayed for too long. My kids. My (old) fear of abandonment. Rejection sensitivity. Years of never allowing myself or my dreams to come first.
By the time I finally left, there was nothing left of "me." I had to find myself again and relearn who I was and what new dreams I could complete. I am so glad to have left it too. It's been more than two decades now and, after a lot of therapy and self-care, I love who I am. I also am able to meet all my own needs. I am content every day of my life now. I feel blessed to be able to live according to my own dreams and desires, not for someone else's rules. That trigger from the reading is over and it was interesting to experience. Old trauma lives in our bodies, sometimes endlessly even after it's resolved.
My tumblr is @hediih. That other post is not mine. I will experiment once I've got time but you are right, for now my dissertation takes precedence over everything.
Feel free to ask me anything at anytime. I am an open book and love sharing if you find yourself curious about anything else. Glad we connected here! {{{hugs}}}
